lack

Now the serpent was more crafty than any of the wild animals the Lord God had made. He said to the woman, “Did God really say, ‘You must not eat from any tree in the garden’?”

The woman said to the serpent, “We may eat fruit from the trees in the garden, but God did say, ‘You must not eat fruit from the tree that is in the middle of the garden, and you must not touch it, or you will die.’”

 “You will not certainly die,” the serpent said to the woman.  “For God knows that when you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.”

When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it. Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves.

I’ve been reading through the Bible with my sweet friend (we began in February) and Genesis threw me for a loop. God is a wonderful storyteller. He lays out Creation, the Fall, and the beginning of our return to Him so clearly. This time, I’m reading it with a new pair of redemption-plan glasses.
Reading through the Fall of the human race broke my heart in a new way this time. I saw myself in Adam and Eve, the first Kings and Queens of the Earthly dominion. A proclivity to blame and shame is deeply etched into my foolish heart, and the loss of intimacy is a loss that echoes through the generations and still punches me in the gut.

One of the brightest highlights (or should I say darkest lowlights?) in this read was the concept of Lack and our human belief in it and the consequent reaction:
So often, I am driven in desperation by what I believe that I lack, rather than sitting in God’s promise. And I’ve said so many times before and will say again, my desperation has more than just driven me to madness, but it has destroyed me, my relationships, and opportunities for genuine growth. And, in desperation to fill my own perceived lack, I reach out for a shadow, a shortcut to being filled, rather than asking Papa what He thinks about me.

“Did God really say…”

If Eve had only called out and asked God what she was missing, abandoned her disbelief and pride and manifest desperation, then intimacy would’ve been fulfilled. Trust would’ve been upheld. Love would rule the day.
Eden was so perfect. Eden was the fruit of God’s creativity, which produced perfect intimacy. He commissioned His character into two beings and gave them everything they needed. They all walked together, lacking nothing.
It took mere moments for the shining one to plant a seed of doubt in Eve’s heart. She was deceived into believing that God has withheld something wonderful from her. She believed, in a mere moment, in her lack.

“You will not die.”

I cannot judge Eve. I am of the same bloodline of doubt, the same vein of disbelief. In a moment, I believe and embrace the doubt – God has withheld from me. Beauty, wisdom, grace, love, answers. I am shamefully aware of my lack. And desperation whispers to me,

“Take it.”

I reach out and grab it for myself – I take what should be mine, what I now believe will give me what I’ve been looking for. I will be validated, I will be full, no more waiting, no more pain, no more emptiness, no more loneliness. 
And the Fall of Man happens all over again in my soul. Warfare has been waged, and my deceived heart has won. But my soul is lost. I am lost to intimacy, lost to trust. Still an orphan, still empty, even lonelier.

Will I ever be exempt from feeling my intense lack? Will the voice of the shining one, beckoning me to fill that hole, ever be shut out?
Probably not.
This thought pushes me back to the base of the Tree, questioning, “Then how will I ever win? How will I ever be able to live and breathe?” I am crushed, weighed down, overwhelmed by my lack of power to protect even my own heart and mind. I am reaching for the forbidden fruit again.

Then a new voice.

“You are enough”

Grace.

“You are mine.”

Love.

“I have won you.”

Jesus.

The story was never over at the Fall. I believe Jesus offered Himself as atonement before it occurred to Adam and Eve that they should try and cover their own nakedness. But the years between the Fall and the rising of the Perfect Lamb were very long. The road to Grace is tumultuous.
He hems me in, behind and before.
It’s amazing how the road to Grace is paved with Grace.

“Keep your eyes and ears open for My promises, dear one. Do not forget My goodness, my love. Everything you need is in Me.
You are Enough.
Wait for Me.
I am coming.”

Trust is restored every day in the small things. It will be ultimately upheld on the day He comes on the clouds with fire. Intimacy is pursued in the everyday listening for His voice. I have to strip away my flesh to do so, but it is a worthy endeavor.

Lord, help me not to be motivated or moved by my lack, but by Your goodness, Your promises. Help me to seek You when the shining one whispers my lack to me.

Love me louder than my lack.